I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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