she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
