i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im six kinds of drunk right now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
