Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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