I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize