If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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