Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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