No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
