oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
