I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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