I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
