3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
