I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
