I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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