Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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