There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
