I can tuck mytits in my pants
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
