yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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