are you so shy because you have an std?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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