It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
