my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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