The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
