i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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