it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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