I don't think brook has ever known best
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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