Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
