he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I party with great urgency now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
