It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
