I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
