I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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