Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I wear drunk well.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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