ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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