It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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