Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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