I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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