Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
