Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
