I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
