High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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