Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
