Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
