Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
