Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize