You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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