i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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