I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
