so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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