I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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