Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
