Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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