summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
