I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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