if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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