did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
