There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
