Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
