I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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